Just say No!
Lesson: You have to find your identity, practice it, and be absolute in it, before you can share it with anyone.
No lesson I have learned in my life has touched me more than this. In the time I have spent in friendships and relationships, I can honestly say I had never been "me". I am a people pleaser and I suspect that any pleasure I thought I experienced in my life and relationships was directly connected to how happy I was making someone else. I mean I feel extreme anxiety when I tell people no, no matter how inconvenient or painful something is for me, in addition to always needing someone else to validate an answer or decision before I made it a go. With this I had become significantly unhappy, not only that but exhausted. The things I had noticed and was advised of by close friends is that when you are the "go to" and you never give a no, people will not go to anyone else. You teach people that taking advantage of you is ok, and you expecting them to stop is ridiculous, I mean who would?
The more I heard this, the more I said yes, lol though after quite some time I have been able to redefine relationships, starting with "NO!". Now the soul searching began for me at this point, and has taken a toll on me because I feel like saying no is me fighting against who I am. Now is this really who I am or is this what's been working for me all this time? and am I allowed to change it? After all who has etched in stone the "way we are" and who says we cannot change that ever so often. What I couldn't figure is why the mood and temperature of the relationships in my life I feel I have no control over or at least any say so. It was my fault clearly.
Talking to a friend I started to think more about why we do the things we do in relationships and allow conditions to change without our say so. From being the yes man or woman, to constantly accepting less than you would like from a mate or friend,What do I need to see and or do to change the ways in which I operate with other people. How is it that the feelings a person may have about something you say or do trump how you feel? It is safe to say that fear of losing them, past hurts, or simply that good ole family upbringing (family first.. yada yada yada) are why we are stuck here but it is also safe to say this position is a wedge driven between you and your "happy" self.
What I found is most effective beyond simply saying no, is begin to imagine myself in a better state of mind. I set my mental sights on myself already in a place where I am getting what I want out of my relationships, and giving only as much as I intend without over extending yourself. (selfish but necessary for now). I am always wondering how mad people are going to be at me and what they may say, but it is imperative that I make myself more important than anyone else for once, after all the core issue is just that, a lack of self importance.
Once I grasped that no matter how uncomfortable, reshaping my thinking will make me better, it became a lot easier. In addition I find that "No" feels really good. After a few times you find that people will find an alternative, something you never forced them to do, also they cannot be but so mad once they realize you never had to say yes the times you did. More importantly no matter what the reaction, you will have begun to re-train a person on how to treat you as well as indicate what you expect from them moving forward. Sure they may fall off, take a minute or call you on your new behavior but that is all the confirmation you need, that you have made significant change. I highly recommend making NO a part of your self loving diet, limit your use of yes, and preserve a lot more energy.
No lesson I have learned in my life has touched me more than this. In the time I have spent in friendships and relationships, I can honestly say I had never been "me". I am a people pleaser and I suspect that any pleasure I thought I experienced in my life and relationships was directly connected to how happy I was making someone else. I mean I feel extreme anxiety when I tell people no, no matter how inconvenient or painful something is for me, in addition to always needing someone else to validate an answer or decision before I made it a go. With this I had become significantly unhappy, not only that but exhausted. The things I had noticed and was advised of by close friends is that when you are the "go to" and you never give a no, people will not go to anyone else. You teach people that taking advantage of you is ok, and you expecting them to stop is ridiculous, I mean who would?
The more I heard this, the more I said yes, lol though after quite some time I have been able to redefine relationships, starting with "NO!". Now the soul searching began for me at this point, and has taken a toll on me because I feel like saying no is me fighting against who I am. Now is this really who I am or is this what's been working for me all this time? and am I allowed to change it? After all who has etched in stone the "way we are" and who says we cannot change that ever so often. What I couldn't figure is why the mood and temperature of the relationships in my life I feel I have no control over or at least any say so. It was my fault clearly.
Talking to a friend I started to think more about why we do the things we do in relationships and allow conditions to change without our say so. From being the yes man or woman, to constantly accepting less than you would like from a mate or friend,What do I need to see and or do to change the ways in which I operate with other people. How is it that the feelings a person may have about something you say or do trump how you feel? It is safe to say that fear of losing them, past hurts, or simply that good ole family upbringing (family first.. yada yada yada) are why we are stuck here but it is also safe to say this position is a wedge driven between you and your "happy" self.
What I found is most effective beyond simply saying no, is begin to imagine myself in a better state of mind. I set my mental sights on myself already in a place where I am getting what I want out of my relationships, and giving only as much as I intend without over extending yourself. (selfish but necessary for now). I am always wondering how mad people are going to be at me and what they may say, but it is imperative that I make myself more important than anyone else for once, after all the core issue is just that, a lack of self importance.
Once I grasped that no matter how uncomfortable, reshaping my thinking will make me better, it became a lot easier. In addition I find that "No" feels really good. After a few times you find that people will find an alternative, something you never forced them to do, also they cannot be but so mad once they realize you never had to say yes the times you did. More importantly no matter what the reaction, you will have begun to re-train a person on how to treat you as well as indicate what you expect from them moving forward. Sure they may fall off, take a minute or call you on your new behavior but that is all the confirmation you need, that you have made significant change. I highly recommend making NO a part of your self loving diet, limit your use of yes, and preserve a lot more energy.
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